I don’t know why but from last three years people have been telling me I am depressed. Why? Because I don’t take part in festive gathering and all. I have a different outlook on life itself.
Yes, something has change. Around three years back diagnosed with Tuberculosis. I was in Chennai when I was falling ill every alternate day. Sometimes every night. I would shiver like a cartoon character. It’s funny now when of it.
I was getting angry, having blackouts, writing some of the darkest shit. This was with Highlife studios India, We mad a tribute song to Lata Mangeshkar and we were running low on funds. We had to shoot the Music video. One team at Mumbai shot a part of the story and we had to get the sooting done in a week. With Less money we went Raipur, Chattisgarh. Because everyone but me were born and brought up there. Traveled thru train and if you know my work I always talk about how I can’t take a dump in train. SO, that happened.
I was getting skinny day by day and there and was coughing more than I usually do. Smokers cough you know. I had this sudden urge to go bald a month back. Like that. And I did, I looked like a walking skeleton, waist was getting smaller. I was one of those fat guys who has to make an extra hole on the belt because they don’t make belts for people like them. only I made a hole on the other end because there was not one denim or trousers fit me. We did the shoot anyway. You can check the video down here. I am the bass player, on the verge of vanishing from the earth without knowing what’s going on with me.
Few guys stayed there and three of us went back to Chennai. After a week I was coughing a lot and had few blackouts. After a month my cough use to wake me up at 9:30 sometime 10:00 in the morning and it went on for 20 minutes straight.
I was getting weak. I remember this incident where me and Anshul went out to get some groceries for house. We remembered we don’t have drinking water. Long story short, I couldn’t take the water barrel without running out of breath. That’s when I knew something was wrong with me.
Had a word with my mother about it and booked a flight to come to Ahmedabad. Went to see the doctor. He said I had pneumonia and the travelling in train with it gave me tuberculosis. I know that you’re thinking. He should get it through smoking lot of cigarettes but no.
Traditional things have never been my thing. I still remember when the doc said “If you were a week late, I wouldn’t be able to save you.”
I was then put on a medication. A heavy one. My hair started to fall, I was dizzy the whole time and I couldn’t write. Couldn’t go out of the house because I was weak af bro. For six months I was prescribes by doctor not to go out of Ahmedabad. But I had a show after three months so I had to go.
For a year I Never missed a day with out medication. And in that process I learnt what you call detachment. To things and filtering out things which were important for me and what makes me happy. The reason I don’t find joy in celebrating the festive season is. I don’t need an occasion to tell someone how much they mean to me. I don’t wait for next year to start a new chapter of my life, not even wait for finish all the gauge and forgive each other.
What I’m saying is. I do that when ever I want and there are things I do for joy and fun is what people call a retard, childish behaviour. I might be, might not be.
Neither you, nor I are right. We are different in each way. Being alone and free. I started developing a habit of being detached to everything and doing things.
Which brings me to the question itself. Why I am Depressed? If you ask me, I have never been more happier than I am right now. I love my work, I am not in the rat race because I love what I do.
It’s different with me.